Secret unauthorized wiretaps of U.S. citizens private communications are small potatoes in the war on terrorism as far as this American is concerned. Freedom-Shmeedom. Liberty-Shmiberty. I say arrest me and every one of my fellow citizens over the age of 15 asap. Then release us one at a time after determining all our activities have been on the up-and-up by using humane torture techniques, in addition to wiretaps, email taps, and other surveillance. (Just a note: please if you are going to remove my toenails, start with that one on my left foot with the gnarly fungus.)

And if you think my suggestion too extreme, just read on and you will come to the same inevitable conclusion.

Look, this is war! Okay! There are evil doers out there who want to kill American citizens faster than we can turn out American Idols. Do I need to remind you? They have attacked our homeland twice already; first in February 1993 and then in September 2001. And the only reasons they were able to attack us twice within a mere eight and half years with such impunity were: 1) the faltering intelligence of a weakened CIA, and 2) a sleep-at-the switch American public.

I for one do not want to see the replacement world trade tower, which Im assuming will be completed by the Spring of 2010, blown asunder once again, which by my calculations should occur as early as right about then unless we take drastic measures. And we are almost halfway there my friends!

Do I think the actions our leaders have taken so far have pushed the date of the next attack beyond 2010 and into 2011 or beyond? No, not really.

Maybe after we get the marriage amendment passed to control that homosexual agenda, and maybe after we stack the Supreme Court to get abortion overturned, scattering those pesky radical feminists into back alleys; only after then might I be inclined to feel we are headed in the right direction. (By the way, my props to Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell for imploring God to connect the dots and for sharing the Almightys intel with us so we might pursue those noble agendas.)

Ill tell ya another thing we could do too. A little nuking of the Pakistan mountains, Iran and North Korea would go a long way to delay the inevitable as well.

But those two fronts of this war on terror are the obvious ones. The third is more sinister, more disturbing. It is the front comprising foreign sleeper cells and imbedded evil doers already living amongst us in our homeland. Im talking about people whose names use to be long and unpronounceable, but now are clandestinely short and preppie. People who have traded in their discernible robes for subtle high-waisted stretch jeans and barber shirts, walking amongst us undetected, free to pursue their devil deeds.

Oh sure, unchecked surveillance feels good, feels like progress but is it really effective in the end? I say yes only if you think emptying the Atlantic Ocean with a dixie cup is a useful venture. My fellow Americans, we need much more tyrannical leadership and thoughtless action if we are to turn the tide on this tsunami of terror.

Once you understand the true nature of this third front our enemy has undertaken, there is only one deterrent rational men can take. It will require us to really put this democracy of ours on hold for a while; turn it on its ears. That whole thing about give me liberty or give me deathforgiddaboudid. That was easy for Patrick Henry to declare, when his war was waged against guys who wore fabulous bright red uniforms, and insisted on marching in tight formations during the light of day, only to stop for a spot of tea at four.

We are running out of time. So I am proposing the unthinkable. I demand we lock everyone up licketty-split. We then have four years to process ourselves back out into the public fold. When were done, only the bad guys will be behind bars.

Hey look, if you are innocent, you have nothing to worry about right? Id rather give up a few years of golf, than see the likes of 9/11 again. Besides, the real Americans well be back out and on their feet soon enough after the slight nuisance of a little water-boarding or, my personal favorite, naked human pyramid building. Look at it this way, the whole thing will build character. Well be better off for it.

So please join me in sending this suggestion off to your representatives nowplease join me in a real plan for victory, something I call: "Victory Through Total Incarceration".