Many men think that the way to boost their self confidence in a difficult situation is to assert themselves in some way.

I would like to challenge this approach by firstly outline what this tactic really reflects and secondly clarifying what it really means to have self confidence in all situations.

Assertive behavior can take on many guises i.e. talking louder, being more forceful, needing to be right, attempting to dominate someone else, needing to defend one's position, need for power etc.

If you look at the roots of any of these you will recognize the compulsive drive to quench one's underlying feelings of inadequacy. In other words although on the surface one "appears" strong, powerful, self confident, in charge etc., under the surface they are actually feeling weak, vulnerable, afraid, inadequate and lacking self confidence.

It is their fear of feeling such feelings that drives them "compulsively" to act otherwise. The term "compulsive" reflects the fact that the individual is actually "not' in control of themselves at all!

So even though on the surface they may "appear" in control they actually are not. So I ask you, is someone like this exhibiting self mastery and self confidence? Hardly!

Yet isn't this what passes for a self confidence in our society? Don't many revere those who compulsively strive for power?

So what is true self confidence then, you ask?

Well it is associated with a deep awareness and acknowledgement of who one truly is within and the desire and commitment to maintaining one's integrity as a loving, compassionate, and resilient human being.

All of this comes from a fearless ability to address and purge one's inner demons. These "demons" are the negative emotions, thoughts, behaviors amd memories that threaten to take charge of one's mind, heart, body and spirit at every level.

You see, if you are honest with yourself, it is this negativity that is what truly rules your life if you let it.

For instance suppose someone causes you some slight and you take it personally and therefore decide to "assert" yourself by taking some kind of defensive action what is really happening inside you?

Well if we follow the internal dynamics you find that:

1. You felt hurt by the slight.

2. The reason you felt hurt by the slight was that you took it personally.

3. To take something personally means to "believe" what was said about you to be the truth.

4. In other words you already carried that belief about yourself inside even before it was said to you.

5. When it was said to you it re-opened this old buried and painful wound and you felt the pain.

6. In order to quench and distract yourself from the pain you "compulsively" launched into your defensive maneuvers.

7. After your defensive maneuver is over however the negative belief you harbored is still there because you have done absolutely nothing to challenge it or remove it from within.

8. What's more you're probably afraid to even look at the fact that it is there because doing so would elicit the same emotional pain that was elicited within you when your adversary spoke those slighting words.

So where does that leave you? Well exactly where you were before:

1. Believing that negativity about yourself at an unconscious level.

2. Feeling inadequate as a result of those beliefs and not knowing why.

3. Lacking self confidence.

4. Feeling potentially vulnerable to the next person who might slight you the next time in the same way.

Is this what you would call a confident individual?

If you truly want to be confident stop lying to yourself and firstly begin to admit that all your self confidence issues stem from the negative emotions, beliefs and traumatic memories that you harbor within.

Secondly be a man and get some help in addressing them.

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